Monday, July 21, 2014

...happy birthday sweet mom....


Today this beautiful woman would have been 73 years old had she not been taken too soon from brain cancer nearly 5 years ago.
I have an ache in my heart simply wishing I could say Happy Birthday to her in person. I miss her so very much. I am grateful that I could hike up to Cecret Lake tonight and wish her a Happy Birthday and blow her a kiss and know that she is part of the beautiful sky, the mountains, the flowers, the air and she knows that we love her and miss her. She lives with such strength in all of our hearts.
Happy Birthday mom!! I wish I could give you the biggest hug and sing you happy birthday, but life doesn't always look the way we think it should.
I miss you with all of my heart.
As always, each day, we celebrate you and how very grateful we all are that you are our mom, grandma, wife, sister and friend.
Love you always,
Your proud daughter~ Tiffany

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

love lost and hope found....



I met an older gentleman at work last week and during our conversation he said 3 years ago his wife of 53 years had died suddenly. After giving my condolences regarding her death I said "wow, that is a long time" speaking of their years of marriage. And he corrected me, "no, it isn't" and he smiled. How right he was. In this day and age for a marriage to last 53 years is such a huge accomplishment, but in the grand scheme of things 53 years together was simply not enough.

On my recent trip to Europe, I stumbled upon a lovely walking bridge in Frankfurt, Germany. All the way down both sides of the bridge locks of love are placed with names and dates of marriage or initials of lovers. And suddenly something struck me; that hope for love is still somewhere inside of me. For a few years now I have been fearful of love. Aside from a year long relationship in 2013 with a great man who was before,and always will be a amazing friend, I have not been in a relationship or even really open to the idea of one. I finally realized that I am overwhelmed with fear. Not only of being hurt, but honestly the fear I have most is in hurting another person again. The hope I had lost was not in love itself, but in me and my own ability to love, to really really love again.

On this same trip I met a couple in their 70's and they have been together for 25 years. It made me realize that they had not even met or began their relationship until they were in their 40's. That gave me hope as well. Hope that love is still a possibility for me, that I may find someone to share a life with.
Being open to the idea of it is a huge a step for me, and admitting it out loud is an even bigger step.

Love lost....Hope found....

Thursday, July 10, 2014

Purpose

Over the past 5 years since the death of my beautiful mom I have found myself wondering what my true purpose is in this life. I have felt a strong desire from deep within my heart to be able to do something, to be someone, to give somehow, to figure out my purpose. I still am in exactly the same mental place of wonderment.
Each day that passes, I find myself having the same internal conversations. "Should I continue to go to school? Is it worth it to accumulate more student loans? After 2 years I still have no answers, no idea of what direction I would take it. Tens years at the same job and with no where else to grow, what are my options?"
I feel like there is another route for me, I am just not sure exactly what my route looks like.
Everything starts with just one step,maybe this is the first step in finding out what my purpose is. I think it could be!
Have you found your purpose?
The route that speaks to and from your soul?

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

July 2nd...

For months and months I have been planning on coming back to face the keys of my computer and write. It has simply been too long. I am constantly reminded of how much this little space in my world helps me to process through so much.
I am here...
Today is July 2nd, exactly 5 years to the day that my beautiful mom was checked into the hospital and never made it back to her safe and cozy home. This time of year is always hard and now my family and I are facing another tough time. Over the past few days my dad has had some health scares, a visit to the ER and an overnight stay in the hospital due to struggling to breath. Although the doctors never actually diagnosed anything and sent him home 24 hours later with an explanation that he took too much of one of his medications, my family and I still don't think that is an answer we are comfortable with. His health has declined a lot in the past few months and no one seems to be able to figure out what is going on.
Hopefully they are right and he will start to feel better soon, but so far he is not.
One of the hardest things in this life is watching your parents getting older, especially when their health begins to decline.
As we journey through these days in our lives I often wonder how it is that we are so resilient and can make it through tragedy. This has been something I have been thinking about so much lately. I want to try and understand it better and see what things other people have found that have been helpful when facing the hard times, the devastating times.
If you are reading this and have any thoughts to share, I would love to hear some of your own stories...
It feels so good to be back...It's funny how something as simple as words on a blog can help so much.

Saturday, March 1, 2014

Sometimes we need to be reminded...

That it is ok to be alone.
I posted this video a few years back.
Now is a good time to re-visit.

"Lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it." (Tanya Davis)

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Her words

About four years ago I stumbled upon the most amazing gift, found in the middle of a notebook in my moms art studio. A poem she had written to me. I pull it out often and read over her wise and loving words. I have recently put it up on my fridge as a reminder that she accepted me for exactly who I am, her crazy, predictably unpredictable, soul searching daughter. Though these words were written 14 years ago, they could have been written yesterday. My mom knew truly knew me and understood me and still loved me, unconditionally.

Her words... written February 27th, 2000
"This is a poem to my beautiful daughter, Tiffany who is searching for her "self". She is freeing herself from commitments of her past. She is stretching her wings. She is flying the independent flight of a young bird/launching herself on a journey. She is learning to trust herself, like herself, love herself.
She is sweet, generous, kind, loving and giving. She is getting acquainted with herself-her soul.
She is my daughter/I am her mother/sometimes flying together /sometimes flying solo."

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Morning sunlight

On the weekends when sleep keeps me a little longer than usual, I walk into my kitchen find myself greeted by a sunlit warmth~ It has a comfort similar to that of a hug. There is something about home...
Sometimes it is the little things that can remind us that we are exactly where we are suppose to be.