And still you are here...

To my dearest long lost blog,
I am so happy that you are still here waiting for me. I have wanted to come back for a while but was lacking the motivation and discipline. I am so happy to be back to the first place I fell in love with writing. This wont be a long post but I just wanted to dip my feet back in the "pool" so to speak.
I am outside in the yard taking in all the beauty that lies in my little piece of the world. 17 years I have been in this house now and I am attached to it like a person. I know, that seems strange, but it has been with me through so much over the last 17 years and it holds me safely. I am grateful for this home.
Anyway, just a quick post to get back in the swing of it.
Thank you for waiting patiently while I brought myself to this place again.
I am back and will visit more often.
With love and gratitude,
Tiffany

What would you tell your 13 year old self....

After reading my last blog post, my friend Jamie reached out to me and came up with a great idea since we both want to write more, we will send each other 2 prompts on Sunday and we have the week to write one or both of them. The prompts she sent me this week were 1. The Good Life and 2. What would you tell your 13 year old self?

What would I tell my 13 year old self…..
“Tiffany, embrace your quirks and your individuality. Don’t change your hair because people think you should fit inside of the mold that they assume is made for everyone. Be ok with being yourself. Those who are meant to love you will love YOU for exactly who you are! Be brave! Think outside of the box.
Don’t get married at 18, girl!! You will change so much for years and years after that.
Go to college while you’re young! Travel more! Study abroad….”
Oh if we could really go back to 13 with the knowledge that we have at 40.
Though if you really think about it, the knowledge we have at 40 came from the choices we made at 13, at 18, at 25….
Although I wish I could go back and do a few things over like those listed above, I would not be the person I am today had I not made the choices I made every day before now. Who knows what person I would be today if even one of those things had changed. There is no way to know if it would have been better or not.
I admit that some days I look back and wonder; what could have been? What would have been if I had done this or that??
But as I sit in my back yard, one of my favorite places on the planet, I think to myself that I am pretty lucky. I have a good life; a wonderful family and friends, a good job, a cozy little home that I love. I have had the opportunity to travel and see so many places that I will never ever forget. Through travel and scuba diving I have learned that I am a brave person, that fear exists but it doesn’t have to control our lives, that you find yourself in the adventures you take. Wow, that is something that I needed to be reminded of right this very moment. Being content with life is good, but being complacent is something entirely different.
I am happy with the life I have but I am always hungry for more. This has been a struggle for me at times, when I feel so anxious for change that I feel guilty that maybe I am not being grateful for the things I do have. I have come to learn that it is ok to be happy with life but striving for adventure and for things to be different as well.
This has been an eye opening challenge for me and I am grateful for being given the opportunity to take a look back, to embrace the good I have in my life and to be excited about the future and the next adventure that awaits.
Yesterday was, today is and tomorrow will be; The Good Life.

I have been challenged... to write

My friend Nic and I have been hiking the past month and a half or so and we talk and talk and talk....
We have begun to call it "hiking therapy" because we get out in the beautiful mountain air and talk about everything.
The past Saturday we did a 4 hour hike to Red Pine Lake in Little Cottonwood canyon. During our hike he asked if I had been writing. I can't even recall that I mentioned to him that I enjoyed writing and that it helped me process through the tough times but I must have and I am so glad I did. When he asked if I had been writing lately all I could say was "no". I had to look inside myself for the "why". That is always the hard question to ask myself; "Why have I not been writing?" I can't even find a solid reason. I wonder if it is just simply because I am afraid of the things I would write if I put my pen to paper. Am I afraid to face the things that are going on inside of me?
Why does fear keep us inside ourselves when we know how much it would help to get it out.
Hiking therapy has been great. And I feel that I can again be held accountable, even just every now and again, to acknowledge even the small steps taken.
Next time he asks me if I have been writing I will be able to say "yes", if even just a little.

A diver...

Swimming in the ocean with a mask, fins and a tank. I never thought I could be that person, a diver, but I am. The ocean calls to me more than most places I have stood with my two feet. How can words properly describe the feelings I have about diving? I am fearful of the oceans surface, the waves crashing about so haphazard and powerful but when given the sign that we are ok to descend, the fear stays on the surface. The calm and serenity of the ocean underneath, it is indescribable really. When someone says “Go to your happy place” it is the blue of the ocean that my mind instantly surrenders. The bright fish and sea turtles; the flow of water bending the edges of the sandy bottom into tiny scalloped ripples; the tiny snake like creatures that protect themselves by appearing to be sea grass slowly sinking back into the sand when approached; the seemingly bottomless and endless darkening blue that deepens below you as you search a coral wall for creatures. I didn’t consider myself a swimmer before I was a diver, but I suppose they go hand in hand. I don’t jump into a pool and set fear aside and stick my face under water and not worry about drowning, but when I take my giant stride into the ocean from the edge of a bobbing boat I set fear on the deck and jump into myself. Into a world that not everyone is brave enough to go. There is a sense of pride that comes along with the knowledge that I am a diver.....

Welcome 2015

Well here we are yet again, another new year upon us. I am grateful for a new year and the hope it offers.
I have not necessarily thought about "resolutions" per say, but what I am thinking about is actually doing more of whatever it is that will change my life for the better. For the last 5 years I have been thinking about and talking about doing "something" more, something meaningful, something that will make a difference to someone, somewhere, somehow. And for the past 5 years I have done little to move forward with this. My words have fallen flat without action.
Today is the day that this will change.
I don't have a perfect road laid out, or a plan that will guarantee success, but I have a heart that is full and the desire to make some changes and to DO something!! To finally do something to get myself headed in this direction rather than just continuing to complain about the fact that my life has not changed or progressed.
It is up to me!!
I am looking forward to all of the things that 2015 will bring...

What are you hoping 2015 will bring to you?

...to hope...

Hope as described by Websters dictionary online.
Hope
(verb)
: to want something to happen or be true and think that it could happen or be true

: to cherish a desire with anticipation

: to desire with expectation of obtainment

: to expect with confidence

Hope
(noun)

: the feeling of wanting something to happen and thinking that it could happen : a feeling that something good will happen or be true

: the chance that something good will happen

: someone or something that may be able to provide help : someone or something that gives you a reason for hoping

Isn't so much of life about hope...
Hope in finding love... Hope in finding internal peace....Hope in a new job... Hope in seeing the world...Hope in healing the sick...Hope in helping others find passion...Hope for living your dreams...Hope in good health... Hope in finding happiness...
What are the things that you hope for?

...happy birthday sweet mom....

Today this beautiful woman would have been 73 years old had she not been taken too soon from brain cancer nearly 5 years ago.
I have an ache in my heart simply wishing I could say Happy Birthday to her in person. I miss her so very much. I am grateful that I could hike up to Cecret Lake tonight and wish her a Happy Birthday and blow her a kiss and know that she is part of the beautiful sky, the mountains, the flowers, the air and she knows that we love her and miss her. She lives with such strength in all of our hearts.
Happy Birthday mom!! I wish I could give you the biggest hug and sing you happy birthday, but life doesn't always look the way we think it should.
I miss you with all of my heart.
As always, each day, we celebrate you and how very grateful we all are that you are our mom, grandma, wife, sister and friend.
Love you always,
Your proud daughter~ Tiffany

love lost and hope found....

I met an older gentleman at work last week and during our conversation he said 3 years ago his wife of 53 years had died suddenly. After giving my condolences regarding her death I said "wow, that is a long time" speaking of their years of marriage. And he corrected me, "no, it isn't" and he smiled. How right he was. In this day and age for a marriage to last 53 years is such a huge accomplishment, but in the grand scheme of things 53 years together was simply not enough.

On my recent trip to Europe, I stumbled upon a lovely walking bridge in Frankfurt, Germany. All the way down both sides of the bridge locks of love are placed with names and dates of marriage or initials of lovers. And suddenly something struck me; that hope for love is still somewhere inside of me. For a few years now I have been fearful of love. Aside from a year long relationship in 2013 with a great man who was before,and always will be a amazing friend, I have not been in a relationship or even really open to the idea of one. I finally realized that I am overwhelmed with fear. Not only of being hurt, but honestly the fear I have most is in hurting another person again. The hope I had lost was not in love itself, but in me and my own ability to love, to really really love again.

On this same trip I met a couple in their 70's and they have been together for 25 years. It made me realize that they had not even met or began their relationship until they were in their 40's. That gave me hope as well. Hope that love is still a possibility for me, that I may find someone to share a life with.
Being open to the idea of it is a huge a step for me, and admitting it out loud is an even bigger step.

Love lost....Hope found....

Purpose

Over the past 5 years since the death of my beautiful mom I have found myself wondering what my true purpose is in this life. I have felt a strong desire from deep within my heart to be able to do something, to be someone, to give somehow, to figure out my purpose. I still am in exactly the same mental place of wonderment.
Each day that passes, I find myself having the same internal conversations. "Should I continue to go to school? Is it worth it to accumulate more student loans? After 2 years I still have no answers, no idea of what direction I would take it. Tens years at the same job and with no where else to grow, what are my options?"
I feel like there is another route for me, I am just not sure exactly what my route looks like.
Everything starts with just one step,maybe this is the first step in finding out what my purpose is. I think it could be!
Have you found your purpose?
The route that speaks to and from your soul?

July 2nd...

For months and months I have been planning on coming back to face the keys of my computer and write. It has simply been too long. I am constantly reminded of how much this little space in my world helps me to process through so much.
I am here...
Today is July 2nd, exactly 5 years to the day that my beautiful mom was checked into the hospital and never made it back to her safe and cozy home. This time of year is always hard and now my family and I are facing another tough time. Over the past few days my dad has had some health scares, a visit to the ER and an overnight stay in the hospital due to struggling to breath. Although the doctors never actually diagnosed anything and sent him home 24 hours later with an explanation that he took too much of one of his medications, my family and I still don't think that is an answer we are comfortable with. His health has declined a lot in the past few months and no one seems to be able to figure out what is going on.
Hopefully they are right and he will start to feel better soon, but so far he is not.
One of the hardest things in this life is watching your parents getting older, especially when their health begins to decline.
As we journey through these days in our lives I often wonder how it is that we are so resilient and can make it through tragedy. This has been something I have been thinking about so much lately. I want to try and understand it better and see what things other people have found that have been helpful when facing the hard times, the devastating times.
If you are reading this and have any thoughts to share, I would love to hear some of your own stories...
It feels so good to be back...It's funny how something as simple as words on a blog can help so much.

Sometimes we need to be reminded...

That it is ok to be alone.
I posted this video a few years back.
Now is a good time to re-visit.

"Lonely is a freedom that breaths easy and weightless, and lonely is healing if you make it." (Tanya Davis)

Her words

About four years ago I stumbled upon the most amazing gift, found in the middle of a notebook in my moms art studio. A poem she had written to me. I pull it out often and read over her wise and loving words. I have recently put it up on my fridge as a reminder that she accepted me for exactly who I am, her crazy, predictably unpredictable, soul searching daughter. Though these words were written 14 years ago, they could have been written yesterday. My mom knew truly knew me and understood me and still loved me, unconditionally.

Her words... written February 27th, 2000
"This is a poem to my beautiful daughter, Tiffany who is searching for her "self". She is freeing herself from commitments of her past. She is stretching her wings. She is flying the independent flight of a young bird/launching herself on a journey. She is learning to trust herself, like herself, love herself.
She is sweet, generous, kind, loving and giving. She is getting acquainted with herself-her soul.
She is my daughter/I am her mother/sometimes flying together /sometimes flying solo."

Morning sunlight

On the weekends when sleep keeps me a little longer than usual, I walk into my kitchen find myself greeted by a sunlit warmth~ It has a comfort similar to that of a hug. There is something about home...
Sometimes it is the little things that can remind us that we are exactly where we are suppose to be.

Happy Thanksgiving...

For me this holiday has always been "my mom", there is no other way to describe it really. It was her favorite.
She would make a beautiful golden turkey. Stuffing cooked right inside the bird. Oh the cranberries...YUM... Homemade with the slightest hint of orange.
Her pumpkin pie was simply delicious.
Her open arms welcomed all of us, one by one, as we arrived to the comfort of her home.
Her smile was always warm and accepting, I miss it. I miss her guidance and patience.
My heart is still broken from the loss of my beautiful mother.
Today I will go to my best friends home and have Thanksgiving with her wonderful family. I am grateful for the open arms of my amazing friends, who are my family. I will think silently of my loving mom and smile, knowing that she is probably not too far away.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Hug your loved ones extra long today.
Enjoy your holiday sweet friends.

Not every day is a sunny day...

Sometimes there are dark days. I do not know where they come from or why they are so overpowering. Mind over matter doesn't always work. I can't quite figure out if it has to do with time change or weather change or just simply life...I don't like not knowing the answers to the sadness. Overall I consider myself a happy person but sometimes there is a darkness that clouds my heart and mind. I just want to curl up in my bed and not get out. I know it is part of life for most of us, but it doesn't make it any easier, does it?
One of my closest friends, Rachelle, sent me this article for natural remedies to help combat depression. They are great tips. I think I need to take them one at a time one day at a time and hopefully break through the darkness.
I thought I would share the link in case you might need an idea or two.
10 ways to help combat depression...

1. Be kind to yourself.
2. Get enough Vitamin D.
3. Eat good food.
4. Sleep (If only that were an easy task).
5. Explore holistic treatments and supplements.
6. Meditate.
7. Lean on your friends.
8. Ask for help.
9. Avoid drinking and Drugs
10. Move your body.

Any remedies you'd like to share?

The sun shining on my face...

Often this quote passes through my mind, it's from an old movie called Mask. Does anyone else remember that movie? Not "The Mask" with Jim Carey, but "Mask" with Eric Stoltz, Cher and Sam Elliot.
I am not sure why these words have stuck out so strongly in my mind for all these years ~
"These things are good: ice cream and cake, a ride on a Harley, seeing monkeys in the trees, the rain on my tongue, and the sun shining on my face. These things are a drag: dust in my hair, holes in my shoes, no money in my pocket, and the sun shining on my face". (Rocky Dennis)

Are you there blog readers...It's me, Tiffany~

It has been a while since I have been here. I hope there are still some of you that check in now and then.
I miss you! I miss my little corner of blog land.
It is Fall already and it came up fast. I am ready for the (slightly) cooler weather but I am always sad to see another summer come and go.
I took a few minutes to take my camera in my hands and head out to my yard and take some photos of the beautiful, vibrant colors. It is a lovely time of year and I need to remember to step outside and take a look of the beauty that surrounds me.
I hope that you are enjoying the seasons. Comment if you are here and let me know how you're doing.

4 years...

As I write this I am fairly certain that it is impossible for 4 years to have passed since the death of my beautiful mom.
4 years without her...It still does not seem real.
My family and I will get together today to spend time with each other and reminisce about my mom and the life she lived. We honor her memory as much as we can with celebrations of her life whenever we get together, and by thinking of her and loving her as much today as we did every day of her life on this earth.

Dear mom,
I miss you with my whole heart.
I have so much that I want to share with you.
What I wouldn't do to hear your voice, your laugh, just one more time.
I am finding my way again in this crazy world as much as I can.
I miss you, I miss you.
I love you my sweet and beautiful mom.
Your daughter,
Tiffany

As another Mother's Day passes by...

My mom is still such a large part of my life. I find her in my beautiful sister and her family, I find her in my wonderful friends, I find her in my new love. Her memory and influence lives inside of my heart so strongly that I still often forget that she really is not physically here any more. This Mother's Day was spent with the people I love, spanning a few days filled with amazing thoughts, comments, flowers and tremendous support.
(A special message to my amazing friend Jody who lost her mom about a month ago, Jody I want you to know that she is watching over you, she is so proud of the beautiful person that you are and always have been, I love you sweet friend.)
Last week I took two finals for school and I was so worried and nervous about how I did on the tests and in the classes. I awoke this morning to find an email from one professor letting me know I did well on the test (97) and had the most points overall of anyone in the class~ I cannot tell you how happy that made me. But even more so was how happy others in my life are for me. My family and friends are so supportive and proud and that means the world. My best friend sent me a reminder of how proud my mom would be of me too, oh how I wish I could share this with her. But I suppose in many ways I do.
My gifts in this life are the amazing people I am surrounded by and so very blessed to know. And all of it started and continues because of my beautiful mom and the amazing woman she was.

For Andy...

This Saturday I proudly watched you cross the finish line of your first half marathon~ I want you to know how proud I am of you!! Your strength and dedication is such an inspiration to me.
It just goes to show that we are all capable of things we have yet dreamed of doing...
I cannot wait to see what you will take on next! Congratulations on such an amazing accomplishment sweet friend!